Is There Something Wrong with Being Naked?

I don’t know if you heard this in the news, but down south in Georgia, former mayor Mark Musselwhite got himself arrested for being naked. Officers found him sitting nude at his Rabun County campsite. Click here to read the story.

This got me to thinking – is there something wrong with being naked? I mean, the guy was just sitting there minding his own business, wasn’t playing with his “junk” or anything and isn’t the human body a beautiful thing?

Don’t get me wrong – I have no desire to see Mark Musselwhite naked, but how about some of our local politicians? How about members on Cincinnati City Council?

Now I’m a guy, so I have so interest in seeing the male members of city council nude (especially you David Crowley), but Laketa Cole? Sure. Leslie Ghiz? Oh hell yeah!

Actually if the politician is female, feel free to remove all clothing – well except for one. Ohio Congresswoman Jean Schmidt, please leave your clothes on.

(Photo of Jean Schmidt found at images.inmagine.com)

Shameless Self-Promotion

My friend Greg Flannery and I had our “important business meeting” at Cosmo’s in Covington this past Friday afternoon and my old friend was getting on my ass a little bit.

“Put together a press release,” he said. “Arrange some book signings.”

You see, today is the official release of my book “Living Out Loud.” Starting today, bookstores can order it and it’s totally up and running to buy at Amazon, Barnes & Noble and most other online bookstores.

Of course, Greg is right, but before I start my shameless self-promotion, I want to say that the real fun in putting together a book or a short story or a column or a news story is in the actual writing. That’s where the joy is for me. I find very little happiness in promoting myself. Still, it would be nice to sell some books.

So here we go with the sell job.

“Living Out Loud: Adventures, Discoveries and Conclusions Made While Exploring a Life – Namely My Own” is a book of essays, most of which appeared in CityBeat from 2001 through 2008. A lot of them are the Living Out Loud columns that got the most reader response (Here and there, we make a few changes from the original work). Others were written before that column came along or couldn’t fit into that space. I also include some essays that were written for Streetvibes and scattered throughout the 260 page book are essays never before published, but all written before the current year of 2009.

Like life, the essays are a bit all over the map. Some of the essays are funny, some serious, others strange or flat out silly. I think that’ s kind of how real life is.

Looking over eight years of stuff I’ve written was interesting. As I went through all those years, I found that a lot of the early essays I’ve written were too loose and didn’t have much of an attitude. Those I didn’t include in the book – but some of the early stuff did show my intended approach, or so I hope, and you’ll find them in the book.

All in all, I had a good time putting this together. I’m very proud of the fact that my good friend, the guy who’s getting on my ass about promoting it – Gregory Flannery, wrote the introduction.

I remember after reading Greg’s introduction to my book, I sent him an e-mail saying if I’m such a good writer, why the hell I’m I living in a small studio apartment in Westwood?

But in continuing my sell job. . .

If you’re interesting in getting a copy of the book, you can go to Amazon or Barnes and Noble or it can be ordered at your favorite bookstore. And in the coming weeks, we will do some book signings so you can see my ugly face. I’ll keep you all posted on that. Yes, there will be even more shameless self-promotion.

(Photo by Andrew Anderson)

That Was the Week That Was – In Blogs

I’ll be damn if the Gawker blog isn’t right. Last week was the week when everybody died.

The most shocking was the death of Michael Jackson. At The Daily Beat, Mike Breen asked the interesting question if it’s possible to separate an artist’s personality and deeds from their creative work. In Michael Jackson’s case, I say yes.

Jackson was a master showman – an artist that we won’t see the likes of again. As far as his personality, I think it’s pretty clear he was a strange guy, but I for one never thought he was a pedophile. Sure he liked kids, but hell – he was a kid himself. I don’t think Jackson ever had a chance to really grow up. During that “blackmail” trail a few years back, I felt sorry for him. For so much of his life, I simply think he was used and I wish his life could have been happier.

I think Jackson’s doctor has some explaining to do. The Sun reported last week that Jackson was on a daily, deadly drug cocktail. Why do some doctors think that drugs are the answer to everything?

Also last Thursday, we lost Farrah Fawcett. The Examiner gives us a nice snapshot of her life.

Sure, I remember “Charlie’s Angels,” that poster, that David Letterman appearance and some of her bad movies – but I also remember in her later career, she proved she was actually a pretty good actor. She was certainly too young to die at 62.

Ed McMahon wasn’t that young. He also died last week at the age of 86. The Associated Press is reporting that NBC will host an untelevised event to celebrate the life of Johnny Carson’s longtime sidekick.

In the world of blogs, many of us were sad to hear that Lindsay Beyerstein over at the Majikthise blog lost her grandmother Christine. She was 95-years-old.

In keeping with the theme of death, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s political career is dead or it should be. Last week, Crooks and Liars told us he apologized to his staff for telling all his lies and for thinking with his third leg and for banging someone other than his wife. While stating how sorry he was, Sanford was constantly referencing words from the Bible.

Yeah, bring Jesus into it to make people think you’re a swell guy. I hope people in the great state of South Carolina and his staff can see through this bullshit. Come reelection, kick his horny ass out of office.

Speaking of bullshit, know who Rush Limbaugh is blaming for this Sanford affair? President Obama. The Huffington Post gave us this silly report last week. Hey Rush, take another one of your prescription pills and just shut the hell up.

Finally in closing and getting back here locally to Cincinnati and also in keeping with our theme of death, The Cincinnati Nation reported last week that downtown continues to fail. After 141 years in operation, Bankhardt’s, that fine luggage and leather goods store on Fourth Street, has closed up. Also the Bankers Club, located at Fifth Third Center, after 63 years in business is now gone. What will be next? Perhaps. . . Arby’s?

Enough about death of any sort. Let’s all enjoy our Sunday.

(Photo of Michael Jackson from hotcelebrity.com and photo of Farrah Fawcett found on Google)

Male Politicians and Their Penises

We can all rest easy now. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has been found. He’s safe and sound but sadly was caught with his pants and underwear down. He’s just another politician thinking with his third leg.

This gets less shocking all the time – male politicians cheating on their wives and getting caught. Those on that sinful list include John Ensign, David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani. And remember what President Bill Clinton was doing with that intern right there in the White House?

Sex scandals have even happened here in sleepy Cincinnati. In 1974, Cincinnati City Council member Jerry Springer wrote a check to a prostitute for services rendered. At least he didn’t pull out his American Express card.

I don’t recall any female politicians getting caught in this kind of activity and I guess that says something about men. Are we really all alike?

In my view, I don’t really care what these guys do in their personal lives. It doesn’t make them a bad politician or a good one.

I think Clinton was a good president despite that stuff with his intern. John Edwards is probably a decent person despite his lovechild and Rudy Giuliani is an idiot even if he hadn’t cheated on his wife.

When these guys get caught, I’m not one to think they should resign. Come reelection; let the voters decide if they want the dude with the hard on to stay in office.

And another thing, you male politicians, stop the tears, cut the crying. That goes for you too Mark Sanford. I’m not about to feel sorry for you because you were cheating on your wife and banging some hottie. Pull your underwear and pants up and get back to work.

(Photo from photo.net)

My Weird Life

In this week’s Living Out Loud column in CityBeat, I do some talking about my weird life. If you’re interested in reading it, click here.

Despite the weirdness, I have met some interesting people and that includes Crystal Gayle. Oh yeah, I had a thing for her.

Some of you may be too young to recognize that name, but maybe you’ve heard of the song “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue.” Crystal is the one who recorded it.

It’s a great song, but it’s not my favorite by Crystal. Some years before that hit record came along, she recorded “You Never Miss a Real Good Thing.” I recently found it on You Tube and as far as I’m concerned, it still holds up.

Yes, I’m about to share. Here’s the video.

(Photo from Google)

Question of the Week

I would rather skip the entire thing, but sooner or later, I know I’m going to die. There’s not much I can do about it – same with the rest of you.

Here’s my question. . .

When the time comes, do you want to be buried or cremated?

(Image found on Google)

Think You Know All About Cincinnati?

So, do you think you know all there is to know about Cincinnati? Let’s find out!

Here’s a Cincinnati quiz for you. At the bottom of the quiz, we’ll provide the right answers for each question in case there are a few you can’t figure out.

Here we go . . .

1) Cincinnati was founded in 1788 but we weren’t always known as Cincinnati. What was our city’s first name? Was it. . .

a. Mayberry?

b. Hicksville?

c. New York?

d. Losantiville?

2) According to FBI crime statistics, Cincinnati is. . .

a. Dull.

b. Hilly.

c. 16th most dangerous city in the United States.

d. 10th most laughable city in the world.

3) Findley Market is. . .

a. A place to buy fruit that is almost rotten.

b. Just another store downtown that has closed.

c. Ohio’s oldest continuously-operated public market.

4) We all know Cincinnati is famous for chili, but there’s another food that’s popular here. Is it. . .

a. Fried bed bugs?

b. Road kill pizza?

c. Shit-on-a-stick?

d. Goetta?

5) On April 1, 1853, The Cincinnati Fire Department became. . .

a. Overrun with bed bugs.

b. The first full-time paid fire department in the United States.

c. Am April fool joke.

6) The most popular gathering place downtown for many events is. . .

a. Madonna’s Bar & Grill on Seventh Street.

b. Washington Park.

c. Blue Ash.

d. Fountain Square.

7) The current Mayor of Cincinnati is. . .

a. Santa Claus.

b. Mark Mallory.

c. Roger Ach.

d. We don’t have a mayor.

8. Cincinnati is also known as “The Queen City.” This came about, because. . .

a. A lot of gay people live here.

b. Most of the bed bugs that live here are female.

c. A poem called “Catawba Wine,” written by Longfellow, called Cincinnati “the queen of the west.”

9) Cincinnati’s Proctor & Gamble first became famous for. . .

a. Tide detergent.

b. Cincinnati douche spray.

c. Little Kings Beer.

d. Ivory Soap.

10) Cincinnati’s only remaining daily newspaper is. . .

a. The New York Times.

b. Pulse.

c. The Cincinnati Enquirer.

11) In 1869, the Cincinnati Reds. . .

a. Recruited a young player named Pete Rose.

b. Started to win a few games.

c. Hired Marty Brennaman as their announcer.

d. Became the first professional baseball team in the country.

12) In 2008, Forbes magazine ranked Cincinnati as tenth in a list of. . .

a. Cities with the most bed bugs.

b. Places where even space aliens don’t want to visit.

c. Places where Roger Ach will approach you with an investment opportunity.

d. One of America’s most hard-drinking cities.

* * * * * *

So, how did you do? Here are the correct answers to the questions above. . .

1) d. 2) c. 3) c. 4) d. 5) b. 6) d. 7) b. 8. – c. 9) d. 10) c. 11) d. 12) d.

Thanks for taking the quiz, now go eat some chili.

(Photo from University of Cincinnati)

A Morning without Coffee – Almost

On Father’s Day and also the first day of summer, I got out of bed, went into my small kitchen area and made the coffee.

That’s how most days start with me – except yesterday morning, the damn coffeemaker decided to die. They say (who are ‘they’ anyway?) you get what you pay for and I paid a lot of money for that coffeemaker only a couple years ago. Never again.

Not knowing what I would do without coffee (without coffee, I don’t think I would have any kind of personality at all), I started to panic. I simply can’t wake up without this normal morning routine.

I then remembered that someone had given me some coffee bags. They’re like tea bags only made with coffee. Did I have any? Yep, there they were at the bottom of my food shelf.

I had to use hot tap water but I wasn’t about to complain. I took a lukewarm cup of coffee out on the porch – drank the stuff and also smoked a cigarette. My morning routine was intact.

I had a great Father’s Day. My kids and I went to Findlay Market, had a little lunch and had a great time people watching.

I bought some fruits and vegetables, a new fruit basket for my kitchen and a few other things. It was great hanging out there. Again, Cincinnati is lucky to have Findley Market.

Among the Father’s Day gifts I received was a $25 gift certificate to Kroger. Perfect!

On the way back home, I stopped at the Kroger on Ferguson and picked up a cheap coffeemaker using the certificate.

As of this Monday morning – me and the new coffeemaker are doing fine.

(Photo from flickr.com)

That Was the Week That Was – In Blogs

Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there! I’m a dad myself and my two kids will be taking me to Findlay Market today to do a little shopping and get some lunch. I don’t think my daughter has ever been there and that must change immediately. We’ll very lucky to have this in Cincinnati.

Yes, something positive being said from your usual daily grump.

I wonder if I’ll see Mayor Mark Mallory at Findlay Market. If I do, will his bodyguard be with him? Kevin Osborne at The Daily Beat wrote an interesting post about Dr. Brad Wenstrup, the Hamilton County Republican Party’s mayoral candidate. He thinks Mallory’s bodyguard sends a wrong message as to how safe our city is.

I tend to agree with this – but the thing is, whenever I see Mallory out and about, there’s no bodyguard with him. Does Mallory feel safe after all? And if so, what exactly are we paying for here? To me, it seems like a waste of our money.

Maybe having less people in our city and in our state would make things safer. According to The Cincinnati Nation last week, college graduates are fleeing the hell out of here. Is Ohio losing its future? Do we even have one?

Oh, there I go being a grump again.

So, do you like cookie dough? Did you know that Nestle is recalling its best selling “fatty, fatso” stuff? Let Wonkette fill you in.

Some days back, David Letterman made a “knocked-up” joke about Sarah Palin’s 18-year-old daughter which made Sarah upset and she made a big media deal out of it. It seems that all her bullshit “knocked-up” Letterman’s ratings. The Huffington Post gave us this good news last week.

What would it be like to have a night out with Betty White? Last week, The New York Times gave us that experience.

Let’s go to Milwaukee. Last week, the Journal Sentinel reported on journalist Jessica McBride’s glowing profile of Police Chief Edward Flynn in Milwaukee Magazine. Well, it turns out good old Jessica is banging the chief who had to apologize to his family.

I want to make it clear that not all writers sleep with those they write about. In other words, I want to make it very clear that I’m not sleeping with Roger Ach.

Alright – off to Findlay Market. If I see the Mayor Mallory and his bodyguard, I’ll give them both your best.

(Photo from www.bloggang.com)

This Week in Gay History

Let me make this clear right up front: Nothing wrong with being gay. Absolutely nothing.

I support gay rights, have gay friends and have even kissed a gay man on the lips – but he kind of forced himself on me. Let’s not get into that right now. Nothing wrong with being gay. Have I made myself clear?

Here’s a clip I found on You Tube, shot right here in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Let’s pretend its August, 1986. Enjoy “This Week in Gay History” with Jeff Bixby.

Well, Jeff certainly seems happy enough and he totally did his research, but after watching the video, questions come into my mind.

Did he lose the buttons on his shirt? Was this thing shot in a gay bar?

And since we don’t see him from the waist down, I can’t help but wonder – was he wearing pants?

Again, nothing wrong with being gay. I just needed something to post today.

(Photo from Google)