Kris Wants a Cigarette—Kris Wants My Walking Cane

I like living in Covington, Kentucky. Really I do—but I run into a lot of characters here. Probably some of them think I’m a character too, but that’s a post for a different day.

For example, take Kris. Please! This guy is driving me nuts.

I said here yesterday I wasn’t feeling all that well, so I got up early thinking some exercise might do me some good. I decided to go for an early walk and I’m talking seven o’clock in the morning. I was fairly sure I wouldn’t be running into Kris that early. Wrong.

I could hardly believe it when I heard him calling my name just as I was turning onto Madison Avenue.

“Hey, Larry!” he yelled. I thought about pretending like I didn’t hear him but knew that would accomplish nothing.

Kris is a young guy—I’m guessing early 20’s. He’s thin, has short blonde hair and while he’s nice enough I guess, his ladder doesn’t go all the way up. Sorry if that sounds mean but it’s the truth.

“Wait up!” he said as he ran toward me. I waited, not feeling too happy about it.

“Where you going?”

“No where,” I said. “Just out for a walk.”

“You got a cigarette on you?”

“No,” I lied. “I’m out.” I’ve already given Kris too many cigarettes.

“Come on,” Kris said. “Give me a cigarette.”

“I said I don’t have any with me!”

“I like your cane,” he said. Try to imagine how many times I’ve heard this over the past two weeks.

“I know you like it,” I said.

“Can I buy it off you?” Again, try to imagine how many times I’ve heard this.

“Kris, it’s not for sale.”

“How much you pay for it?”

“I don’t remember—maybe 12 bucks.”

“I’ll pay you that.”

See the cane in the photo here? This is basically what mine looks like. It’s nothing fancy—I don’t need fancy—and you can buy them just about anywhere.

“The Walgreens up there has canes,” I told Kris. “Go buy one there.”

“Let’s go up there!” he said all excited.

“It’s early in the morning!” I replied. They’re not open. Go later.”

“Why can’t I buy yours?”

I guess I could have explained to Kris that I have nerve damage in my feet and legs and if I don’t have the cane with me, I tend to fall down a lot, but I decided not to go into it as I already have at least three times over the past several days.

“It’s not for sale,” I said again.

“You have an extra cigarette?” I looked at Kris in disbelief.

It was either kill Kris right there on the spot or keep walking. I continued my walk with Kris standing there. I turned around a few seconds later and Kris was heading back home.

I think if I ever do get some money ahead, I’ll buy Kris a cane, but before I give it to him, I’ll hit him over the head with it a few times. Afterwards, maybe I’ll give him a cigarette.

(Photo from WordPress)

Revisiting The Ohio Express

I’m feeling a little under the weather today and since I’m a staff of one, that’s not good.

So I’m doing a rerun today but it’s not something I ever posted here. I wrote this back in July of 2007 in CityBeat about the musical group The Ohio Express.

This piece won me an award from the Society of Professional Journalists for excellence in journalism which was nice. All I know is I had a great time writing it.

This story is about five young Ohio kids pumping out bubblegum hit music in the 1960′s. When I started to write this back in 2007, it was only meant to be a “Where are they now?” type of story, but when I started turning over rocks, I knew I had more than that.

These Ohio kids had the world by the tail. They were going to be rich, going to be stars — but something wasn’t adding up.

To get to the truth, click here.

(Photo from CityBeat)

A Letter to Mel Gibson

Hi Mel,

No, this isn’t really a letter to you. I’m just writing a blog post. Like most people these days, I could care less about you.

Actually, I never did think about you much or see any of your movies. Well, maybe one but I can’t even remember the name of it.

I know you best from reading about your mouth. You seem to not be able to keep it shut. Most recently you made anti-Semitic remarks to screenwriter Joe Eszterhas. He made an audio recording of your hate.

I read somewhere that director Robert Rodriguez wants you to be in his new movie “Machine Guns.” Why? Your most recent movies have gone “Direct to VOD.” You don’t exactly have star power anymore. Kind of your own fault don’t ya think?

Anyway, I know you will never read this. Here I am in Covington, Kentucky and there you are in Hollywood. Do you think you still belong there?

I’m not going to go into the “kind” of people you seem to hate. I think you really hate everybody. You don’t seem to hate yourself. Go figure.

I’ll wrap this up. Don’t want to waste more time on you.

Suggestion: Keep your big mouth shut and hate to yourself. Don’t let the world think you’re a jerk. Oh wait—it’s too late for that.

Sincerely (Not really),
Larry Gross

(Image from randomgifs.com)

Barbra Streisand is 70

I got a birthday coming up next Tuesday. While I won’t be quite 60 yet, I’m getting there. Last Tuesday, someone famous had a birthday: Barbra Streisand. She turned 70. Try to imagine how hard that is for me to believe.

She still looks great and sings great and we all know she can act. No, I don’t have all her albums but I do have a few and I’ve seen many of her movies. I think if you would look up the word “star” in the dictionary, her picture would be right there. You can’t say that about many people.

Today, she is known the world over but that probably wasn’t the case back in 1964 when she appeared as the mystery guess on the game show “What’s My Line?” I found a clip of the show and it’s at the top of this post.

Happy Birthday Barb! Just so you know, Ms. Streisand and the rest of you, we’ll be back on Saturday with another post.

(YouTube video)

Cindy’s Gone, but Cindy’s Still Here

I’m written about my upstairs neighbor before—at least a few times here and once in my Living Out Loud column in CityBeat. That essay was called “Stray Cats.”

For those of you who are curious, no, Cindy isn’t her real name. I don’t use real names for people I don’t know. We’ve talked about this before.

Anyway, as I’ve mentioned in the past, this person likes to knock on my door asking for things—baking pans, cigarettes, 30 cents, onions, not necessarily in that order.

Last week, she knocked on my door again, this time wanting a cigarette.

“I’m just about out,” I said.

“I only want one,” she replied.

I gave her a cigarette. As I handed it to her, I had a question.

“Do you still live here?” I asked. “I haven’t seen you around.”

“Oh, yeah,” she said as she took the cigarette. “I’ve been away helping a family member.”

She thanked me for the smoke. As I closed my apartment door, I knew Cindy had just told me a lie.

Cindy was served with an eviction notice three weeks ago. She hadn’t paid her rent and got kicked out of the apartment. I know of this from another neighbor. Also, the landlord has been showing that second floor apartment to other people.

Apparently, Cindy still has a key to the front door of the building. Only a few days after wanting that cigarette, she was back at my door wanting another one.

So Cindy’s gone, but Cindy’s still here. I can’t let this continue, can’t keep keeping her smokes. I know how Cindy is. The next time she knocks on my door, she’ll be wanting money.

Any thoughts on how I should handle this?

(Photo found on Google)

Where Are The Altoids’ Smalls Peppermint Mints?

I’m having a mint problem.

I like the Altoids’ Smalls peppermint mints. They’re sugar-free and taste strong and more importantly, taste really good. Thing is, they’re hard to find.

Granted, I haven’t searched the world over but here in Covington, you can’t find them. Walgreens doesn’t have them—neither does the Kroger store. Both are on Madison Avenue. Friends have checked stores for me over in Cincinnati too. Are they selling out that fast?

If you like Altoids’ Smalls wintergreen mints, you won’t have any trouble at all. They’re not bad, but the peppermint is better.

No, this isn’t a life-threatening problem—just annoying.

Last week, my daughter found one tin left of the peppermint at a Target store over in Cincinnati. I’m trying hard not to suck on them all at once.

(Photo from Yahoo)

Guilty Thoughts about Dick Clark

Dick Clark died last week and I wasn’t going to write about him at all, but mixed feelings are in my head about this man and I’m going to try and sort them out here and get rid of this guilt I’m feeling. The thoughts in my head aren’t all nice.

First off, “American Bandstand:” Clark broke down racial barriers bringing black performers on the show. I’m sure he took some heat for it—we’re talking the 1960’s here—so he was in the forefront of tearing down those walls. I think that’s what he should go down in history for.

But he had a chain of restaurants built around his television show. He tried to make extra money off it and this turned me off. Sorry.

And yes, he should be considered a television legend mostly for “American Bandstand.” It was an original show. He was an “OK” host.

I considered his personality a bit fake. I’m sorry—he didn’t seem sincere to me.

I’m feeling a bit un American right now and the guilt is still there. Still, I will continue.

Yes, he always looked young. Maybe I’m jealous over this but I don’t think so.

Dick Clark hosted a game show. I just don’t care enough to look up which one. Maybe he created it too. I can’t get excited about it. I mean, I watched whatever he was hosting a few times. He was no Gene Rayburn from “Match Game.” Gene always seemed like he was having fun. Dick, not so much.

Remember that “Bloopers” show he did back in the 1980’s? I hated it.

“Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve?” I never rocked with him. I had other things to do. Like going to sleep.

He was a smart business man. He made millions for himself and employed many. He was probably a very decent guy and probably a good family man.

I’m sorry he passed away. I’m sorry for his family. I’m happy Dick Clark had a long life.

I won’t miss him on television. There, I said it.

Over the years, I’ve received a lot of hate mail (most of you know that) and I expect I’ll get some now. I’ll feel guilty as I read it.

(Photo found on Google)

There Will Only Be One Barnabas Collins

I was one of those kids back in the late 60’s and early 70’s who would rush home from school to watch the soap opera “Dark Shadows.” It was an original type of soap. It had vampires and witches and was a bit dark. Campy, sure, but still dark.

Barnabas Collins was the sympathetic vampire that made the show. Barnabas was only to be a short-lived character, but that character caught on and helped the show get badly needed ratings. Everybody loved Barnabas.

Well, not everybody. Keep in mind I was only a kid, but I remember the program director at Channel 12 in Cincinnati decided to drop “Dark Shadows” from the afternoon lineup for some local programming. Channel 12 carried ABC programming back then and “Shadows” was an ABC soap.

There was a new start up television station in Cincinnati in the late 60’s—Channel 19, WXIX. When Channel 12 stopped programming “Dark Shadows,” Channel 19 picked it up and ran it at seven o’clock in the evening. This was perfect for us school kids. We didn’t have to rush home anymore. We could watch our favorite show in the evening.

It only took a matter of a few weeks for that program director at Channel 12 to realize he had made a big mistake. “Shadows” was getting big ratings on Channel 19.

“Dark Shadows” returned to Channel 12 in no time at all and us school kids were back to racing home to watch it. A good thing never lasts too long for kids who like vampires.

Yep, it was all a long time ago and the reason why I’m writing about it now is because the actor who played Barnabas Collins, Jonathan Frid, has died. We found out last week he passed away April 13 at the age of 87.

Johnny Depp, like me, was one of those kids who would rush home to watch “Dark Shadows.” He’s playing Barnabas in a movie based on the series that will be released next month. Jonathan Frid has a cameo in the movie.

This is all well and good but I think even Johnny Depp knows there will only be one Barnabas Collins and that’s Frid. We old timers who watched that show will never forget him.

The video of Frid playing Barnabas is very short and won’t mean a lot to you youngsters out there. Just humor an old timer.

(YouTube video)

The Invisible Neighbor

Probably before anyone considers moving into the building where I live in Covington, Kentucky, they should know I’m a writer and that my life is basically an open book. Therefore, their lives are likely to get mentioned in something that I write. Sure, I change a few things around; don’t mention real names, but still I’m drawing off them to create characters.

Some neighbors are easy to create and write about. Not this guy.

I’ll call him Paul here. Paul is the invisible neighbor.

He moved into my apartment building a couple months ago. The only reason I know this is because the landlord told me. Paul is living on the third floor.

Sometimes I think I hear him coming down the stairs early in the morning—around seven. Most tenants when they leave slam the door to the apartment building shut. He doesn’t. He actually closes it. He appears to be considerate. What’s that all about?

I know what kind of car he drives; he parks it on the street. It’s nice, fairly new and always clean.

Don’t ask me what he looks like because I have no idea. The landlord says he’s a young guy.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a neighbor like this and I don’t know how to act. I’m curious—thinking about waiting outside for him one morning just to meet him or at the very least, see him.

Maybe he’s quiet because he’s shy. Maybe he’s on the lam from the law. Maybe he’s from a different planet.

These “maybes” will be answered in all good time. Paul can’t stay invisible forever.

When I do meet and talk to him, I’m going to thank him for closing that apartment building door and not slamming it.

(Photo from block3b.com)

Desperate for Mitt Romney

Well sure. I’ve said it here before, but the Republican nomination for President of the United Sates is over and Mitt Romney is the chosen one—whatever that means.

Maybe Rep. Louis Gohmert of Texas said it best.

“I’m not as excited as I am desperate.” His words, not mind. Of course Gohmert meant that he was desperate to get Obama out of office but I don’t know if that’s possible with the likes of Romney—not that I’m complaining.

In my view, if Romney has any chance of winning at all, he’s going to have to turn himself into something other than a joke. For one thing, he’s gonna have to distance himself with this bullshit Republican “war on women.” I have no idea how he can do that as he’s part of the problem. Do you honestly believe that Romney thinks women are equal? Of course not. Romney sounds like and looks like he belongs on “Mad Men.”

Picking a decent running mate could help, but since Romney is still a joke, who would be foolish enough to go along for the ride? Rob Portman, that freshman Senator from Ohio, is being mentioned as a possible candidate, but he’s not well known and maybe that’s lucky for him. Suggestion to Portman: Don’t associate yourself with Romney. Stay clear.

And I’ve said this here before too. I love following this kind of stuff, especially when I think the Democrats have the advantage. This is what I’m assuming, but you know what happens when you assume. I’m trying hard not to take any of it for granted.

(Image found on Google)