- If the minutes are up on your cell phone, yes you can use mine for a few minutes, but no, you can’t take my cell phone with you. It stays in my apartment.
- If you have an emergency late at night and need my help, knock on my door. Don’t knock on my door if it’s a bullshit reason and I know what bullshit is.
- Keep the front door to the building shut and locked. It’s not my fault you’ve forgotten your key or it’s misplaced.
- No, I won’t keep that front door ajar so your cable guy can get in and no, I won’t let him or her in when they arrive. You’re getting cable—not me.
- If you tell me I’ve got mail, then you’ve looked through my mailbox. Stay the hell out of my mailbox.
- Don’t yell and scream when you’re coming down the stairwell. This is an apartment building and not your personal residence.
- Don’t ask me to help you move anything.
- No, you can’t use my Kroger Plus card or number.
- Don’t knock on my door loaning me a book you think I might like and expect me to read it right away. If you want the book back soon, just keep it in your bookcase.
- It’s OK if you think my apartment looks nice while you’re standing at my front door, but don’t invite yourself in to have a look around.
- Mr. Landlord, don’t knock on my door any old time you want thinking I’ll let you in. I won’t.
- Really? Why would I want to remove the chain from my apartment door when I’m talking with you?
- When I’m making my way out of the building and you, a non tenant, is sitting on the stoop, get your ass out of my way.
- For god sake no, you cannot use my computer for anything.
- You can’t borrow a cup of sugar. I’m diabetic. You can’t borrow my Aspartame sweetener either.
- In fact, you can’t borrow anything that I have. I’ve been burned too often and no—I don’t trust you.
- If you piss me off often enough, you will pay the consequences. I’ve got the landlord’s number on speed dial.
I’m glad we had this chat.
(Image from dreamstime.com)